desire
is born of void,
the catlyst
to passion,
a reaction
to emptiness.
and every motion
to fill it
a step forward.

the essence of life
is progress,
forward momentum.
evolution
is perpetual
and infinite.

the essence of love
is progress,
forward momentum,
reaching
for the higher ground,
standing on the holes
we’ve filled
with communication
is progress
is evolution
is love
∞

I know the vast majority of you are not local but my room mates and I are throwing a party this Saturday. Of those who can make it, you’re all invited and of course, friends are welcome too. We’ve got two kegs of Karl Strauss and I’m making lots of food as well. Email me for directions.

Michael

It recently accrued to me; my studio is laden with a lifetime of artwork, most of which I have no intention of ever showing. Why do I continue to possess them? So I’m having a yard sale of sorts. I’ve decided to sell about 85 works total. They very in size from 3’X4’ to 81/2”X11” Most are Figurative drawings (nudes) but there is also a few paintings, some none objective (abstract) and various other odds and ends in the mix as well.

I do not currently have anything online but I can send samples if you’re interested.

I’m starting the ebay actions today. I’ll likely be posting links here

Thanks
Michael

It’s been nearly two years since I moved from San Francisco, I miss the bay area, but venturing to San Diego has proved to be among my better decisions, both financially and socially. I live in a great house in Serra Mesa with a view, a swimming pool and great roommates. Things are pretty good for me these days.

My brother Joe and I recently decided to incorporate our businesses. He was an established painting contractor before I moved here. And although my skills as a mural and faux artist are more specialized, the synergistic approach has proved to be a successful marriage of skills and ideas. We just changed our business name to Taylor Brother’s Painting. My side of things is gaining momentum and I have high hopes for the following year. My goal is to keep things rolling fast enough to higher an assistant by summer.

Although I find often find myself loathing a common southern California mentality of material-based-idiocy; I can’t complain to much, because I’ve made some great friends down here, the best. San Diego has provided ample opportunity to socialize, perhaps to much (historicaly my more creative periods have been spent in solitude). But the networking has proved effective and I gain something from everyone I meet, even self-diluted-narrow-mind-assholes. They’re my comedy relief.

There is undoubtedly more eye candy here than just about anywhere. The place is crawling with artactive people. Unfortunately, most of them put far more effort into appearance than intellect. Needless to say, I’m still single. Sure, I’ve had a few flings but nothing grand. Quite honestly most people bore me. And lets face it, what I desire is so far removed from traditional romance that I have trouble envisioning anything long term with anyone who it not highly self-aware and insanely passionate about self-expression (the arts). However, I do find myself flirting allot these days, mostly for the sake of flirting, I have this way of reducing any and all social interaction to a psychology experiment. Sexual interaction of any kind is quite fascinating. But truthfully, “people watching” is often nothing more than a defense mechanism for the introverted. Are people watching me? Are they interesting? Where are they? * looks over shoulder*

It was bout six months ago, that my mother left the Mormon Church after being a member for over 40 years and raising a family of children in the faith. After watching all but one of her children leave the church on their own time in their own way. It all started when she did the unthinkable. She approached her studies of Mormonism objectively. And as any open-minded person does, she realized it was bullshit. People can say what they want about myself and my brothers leaving the faith, bad habits, bitterness, demonic possession, ect. ect. But my mother was an upstanding member until the day she opened her eyes. Anyone who hears of her ascension from Mormon dogma is dumfounded and even disbelieving, It tears at the fabric of any believers conviction. I am so very proud of my mother.

I spent the last half of 04 eating only whole foods and exercising intensively. I took a break for the holidays, just long enough to be reminded of how great it feels to really take care of myself. I’m in full swing again. Although, I have not entirely excluded caffeine, alcohol, and the like this time. Moderation right?

The last few years have been a creative lull. But it has also been a time to reflect and evolve. The sabbatical has been a time to point myself in a straighter direction. I’m excided about my current of work. I have two shows planed this year; the first is at Indigo in Hillcrest. In April I’ll have twenty new pieces up. The other is at the Vine in O.B. The date for that is to be announced Most likely in late spring

I would enjoy to getting caught up with everyone so tell me how you are and/or a link to pertinent journal entries.

Michael

where will you be
when you awaken from your slumber
and your world begins to crumble
as your faith
is turn asunder?
what will you believe
when you begin to see
…truth
and how far will you wander
when you’re allowed
to wonder?

when the levee finally breaks
and the water rushes by;
will a wave of disbelief
wash away the lie?

will you struggle against it
or will you dance in the rain?
will you wade in your freedom
or drown in your chains?

….but it’s not for us to ponder.
only you
can pry your eyes
…open

so we’re standing in the doorway
whispering your name
with hope,
a tear
and a promise;
that there is nothing to shame
but shame.
and there is nothing to fear
but open skies.

Michael

I’m far to busy to fully comprehend my own exhaustion. *Meticulously sets alarm to 6:00 before passing out on floor*

All said, I am moving forward. Good things are happening. More latter.

Looking back upon my life's journey it is easy to pinpoint its most pivotal moments: those ever-important instances where I was knowingly at the helm of my destiny, sailing into a choice. As easy as it is to pinpoint them, their impact is immeasurable; like numberless dominoes tumbling infinitely.

As fascinated as I am with chaos theory, the butterfly effect and the freewill vs. destiny dichotomy, I spend little of my waking hours lamenting days gone by. What good is regret against an unchangeable past? Sure, I wish I could alter certain events and outcomes, but I accept that yesterday offers me nothing more than a point of reference from which to navigate.

The future however, is a deferent storey, a changeable one: we can see into the past but we cannot change it. We can change the future but we cannot see into it. The power to change the future is the past. The wisdom of the ages, our own wisdom, there in lays the power to shape your world... our world.


Make every moment pivotal.


Michael

not allot to say
these days
but I'm watching
with a wondering eye
watching
searching for signs of life
movement
a noise
a whisper
a wink
a tear
a breath
...a pulse

-Michael

oh' father judas
bake me a cake.
with eight tears and plastic jesus on top
arm in arm with a midget
because marriage is sacred
like dead presidents, pornographic smiles
and faith.

...but if you say my cake isn't Atkins friendly
I'll ass rape your mother
and force you to fill the gas tank
in my four-hundred-horsepower-midlife-crisess
with pop-culture-opium.
so don't fuck up!
just tell me what I want to hear.

make it any flavor but coffee or rum
we don't want to stimulate our guests with anything but sugar
and the fear of being alone.
after all, where would romance be without fear?
romance is just a fancy word for fear
like royal blood is just fancy word for incest
...is my cake done yet.

Today is tomorrow
yesterday.

To live a lucid dream
is simply to live
tomorrow
today.

The helm of destiny
is a mirror.
The wind behind its sails is
desire.


Michael

Emily,

I don’t recall specifically what bewildering question you asked me during your modeling session. As I recollect, the inquiry had something to do with my rather uncommon perspectives on love, more specificity romantic love. I also remember suggesting my thoughts would be expressed more clearly if I was granted an opportunity to express them as words. Paramount among my own motives is a desire to communicate effectively. I hope I have successfully done so here.

When contemplating the role that love plays in the human experience; it is first necessary to accurately define it. To do so, love must also be demystified.

Love…

The essence of love is desire: desire is born of void. Any and all of the motivating forces within a person’s heart and mind are direct reflections of the voids and insecurities existent within that individual’s consciousness. The relationships we both hold and yearn for are a direct result of our efforts to compensate for the aforementioned void-riddled insecurities. The bigger the void, the more passionate the desire..to fill it - the more intense the love that person shares, usually anticipating reciprocation. Passions are defined by polarities and our intuitive will to progress is the force behind their pendulum-like swing. In just: Our lives are quantified the by opposing forces defining our chosen path, therefore, so is love.

The human race is inherently interdependent. Desired progression is the impetus for this inclination. Our Species owes a great deal of its evolutionary progression to social interaction. Historically, the more interaction homosapiens (or any species for that matter) have with one another, the more intelligent they become. This increase in intelligence ultimately results in evolutionary progress, both physically and socially. This process also causes a fundamental shift from self-reliance based on intuition, to the need for interaction and codependency. In essence: We barter our instincts for synergy. Ironically, this makes our inherent interdependency both weakness and strength. A person who spends time cultivating their own intuition is less reliant on external justification, they posses a lesser void. Yet a person with a greater desire for collective reasoning will usually gain a broader perspective than someone more self-reliant. Although these polarities would seem to contradict one another, ‘real love’ is the energy created when they dance together. When desired progression/self-awareness leads to necessary social interaction, and a synergetic atmosphere is created, balance is achieved. The more mutually beneficial the atmosphere, the more intensely love radiates back and forth between individuals. The more attune a person is to the motivating forces within themselves, the easier it is to strike this balance. The essence of enlightenment is balance. Enlightenment equals progress.

To balance the scale it is necessary to first understand loves equation. It is widely accepted that persons whose self-love is dormant or none existent, are incapable of loving others. On the contrary, a person with an abiding self-love has more love to share. The equation of love is simple. It begins and ends with self-love, regardless of who is in-between. We show affection towards others simply, because we crave reciprocation, in some form or another (even if it is as simple just knowing the world is a better place because you put a smile on someone’s face). In this way we use one another as tools for our own progression and subsequent enlightenment. As a general rule: The more equally love is shared the more intensified it becomes, as individuals we feed off one another. Self-interest motivates us to share of ourselves; reciprocation completes the circle, back its source …self. The instant we gain anything we are progressing.

Both selfishness and self-denial will tip the scale: The instant we seek justification externally before first reflecting inward we have interrupted the circular motion of loves energy. Commonly, relationships consist of master and servant roll playing, to some degree or another. A persons desire to play any predisposed role more exclusively is a direct result of their unwillingness to be self-sufficient/self-owned/self-loved. An insecure person, who is seeking justification and identity externally, intuitively places someone or something else first and/or last in the equation; weather they are a subservient person valuing another’s opinion and authority above their own, or they simply possess a desire to control another. Either way, they are ultimately disturbing loves flow and in turn hindering progression. All because they are unwilling to assume the subsequent responsibility of starting the equation with self-love.

To whatever degree a person is unwilling to look inward to fulfill him or herself, consociation is merely another psychological-opiate, like unto religion. The fear-induced/perception-fueled-mental-filtration that chains a person to an ideology is hauntingly similar to the romantic notions that so often bind people together in a state of delusional codependency. Anyone naive enough to buy into romantic notions of being inherently incomplete until they have found their counterpart will forever be unfulfilled, because the notion contradicts self-love. If a person begins the equation perceiving themselves as sub-human they will not experience a love that is anything but sub-human. Yet many perceive and embrace this pseudo-love as something profound, because in the end, it is still far more palpable than the self-deprecation they began the equation with. Just like those inclined to align themselves with a religious ideology; counterpart-seeking lovers are motivated by a fear of having to exist as solitary mind. For this reason they feign for their psychological-opiate. Webster’s Defines romance as follows: “a dreamy, imaginative habit of mind; a disposition to ignore what is real.” By definition, romance is little more than psychotropic-opiate. Those insecure dilutions we commonly know as romantic love are the tragic compromise of anyone afraid to be alone. Because unfortunately, for most, loves mythologies are far more unobjectionable than loneliness. When in fact self-love (the catalyst for all love) begins as a solitary mind. As blissful as romantic notions my feel, they are the antitheist of true love and often the catalyst for further insecurities and even self-hate. To the degree a person buys into romantic dilutions of counterpart-fulfillment they are enslaved by their own insecurities. And to whatever degree a person is first self-loved… so are they free. And so is their ability to experience true love increased accordingly.

By no means am I suggesting a dismissal of the enchanting nature of human interaction or even romance as pathway to intimacy (certainly fantasy has its place), but rather I am suggesting a heightened awareness of our own musings. Only through self-awareness are we released from the shady confines of our own insecurities. Only through comprehension of our life’s dichotomies can we free ourselves from continually dwelling at their polarities. Perhaps the most important thing to consider is that that all these things exist on a continuum and none are mutually exclusive. Everyone is experiencing all of them to different degrees, at different times.



Pertaining to my own desire to experience love beyond platonic interaction: as much as I long for companionship, as much as I yearn to look into another’s eyes and be overwhelmed by loves intensity; my uncompromising position of pure logic and self-love has Ironically brought me a life void of consummate-love. Of course, this is no doubt a result allowing my own jaded past to define my present. I have been dwelling at one of those aforementioned polarities, defined by my own fear of delusional codependency. When I break it all down, for me to be so bent on finding a mate who is equally self-loved, is hauntingly similar to the characterized young woman waiting to be swept off her feet by her proverbial knight in shinning armor. For both are fantasies constructed by a mind which has conditioned itself to perceive a certain way, afraid to face reality …once again the equation points back to self. I only truly know what I alone have to give, and can only hope to find someone willing to barter on the profoundest of levels.

As agonizingly longwinded as I made this, it is all so very simple: we are the sum of our own experience. Desire is what drives us to participate in life. Experience is medium by which desire becomes love. Love is process of evolving towards a consummate realty… enlightenment repeats the cycle.

-Michael

In a society where counter culture is evermore mainstream, where atypical wisdom is inevitably reduced to corporate slogans; it is not enough to merely think outside of the proverbial box. We must not only remove ourselves from predisposed ideology, but more importantly, abandon the need for such. Most pay homage to deviation from the norm but few are brave enough to actually define their own path. An individual is only as emancipated as they are self-defined, only as self-owned as they are inward looking.

Michael

A friend recently asked me my personal definitions for agnosticism and spiritually...

I am socially an atheist, because I believe religious ideology is born of subconscious unwillingness to embrace the chaotic, random, undefinable abyss that will undoubtedly show its 'uncomfortable' face as we seek truth and enlightenment. It takes allot of courage admit, "we do not know who we are or where we are going in this ocean of chaos"--Timothy Leary. Atheists take this principle to far by supposing the absolute none existence of any transcendental force. As an agnostic, I'm unwilling to make any assumptions pertaining to a god’s existence or its will. Objectivism and logic have led me to the conclusion that something beyond our current understanding put this planet into motion, but whatever force that is or was is currently paying little or no role in the lives of its inhabitance.

As for spirituality: my personal definition is void of doctrine and mythology. It is simply that which is of or pertaining to the intellectual and higher constructions of the mind; mental; intellectual. In essences: mine is awareness (self awareness) based spirituality. Any activity that allows me to further explore my own consciousness is spiritual.

Michael

I always use self-defining words such as 'I am' with some level of trepidation. Not for inability to express myself or lack of opinion though. On the contrary, I have much to say concerning my perspective on things. My hesitation is a direct result of brutally honest introspection. Experience has lead me to the harsh yet enlightening realization that whatever defining words we choose to say of ourselves are mostly fiction. A persona manufactured consciously and/or subconsciously to fulfill whatever predisposed need to feel justified which motivates us individually. Whether it be the need to be loved, accepted, respected or otherwise adored; it's all the same misguided motives based in some emotional insecurity. Centuries of social evolution, supposed gender roles and social standards have only amplified this inherent flaw within in our nature. The world is saturated with mindless followers waiting to be told how they aught to act and to think, seeking justification and identity externally. Something to fill the empty places in their hearts and minds. Something to make them feel secure and loved.

I don't profess to be free of insecure delusions, none of us are. However, comprehension of the afore mentioned has allowed me to abandon most justification sought externally. So I look inward. I posssess a naturally analytical and introspective mind. I have strong propensity to question everything. I tend to look at things upside down and backwards. As a result, I can often see through people and their delusion-stained motives. More importantly, I strive to see through my own insecure delusions. I thrive on epiphanies brought on by brutally honest introspection. I seek inner peace, I seek purpose, I seek to be real. Time invested in the exploration of my consciousness has led me to many conclusions regarding the human condition, my own existence, and life in general. I can see things... beautiful things. So I've built my life around expressing my thoughts as works of art, higher constructions of human consciousness.

Hypothetically speaking: If I had completely abandon any all need for external justification, I would have no desire to express my own thoughts. I would be content to stew in a vortex of my own delusions. Whatever desire for justification and acceptance that still exists within my own heart and mind is the motivating force behind what self-analyzation I seek share as art.

I know my own motives are rooted in something more satisfying than adoration though. At the core of mankind's desire to create is a desire to communicate. Not with mere words, but on a deferent plain, a higher one. Past the verbal stumbling and social pretense, directly to our hearts and minds. From the art and music I so loving adore, to my own efforts to communicate on the same wavelength. A quest to embrace a higher plain of conscious thought is the driving force behind all that I create... behind all I do.. In its most simplistic terms...

I am a resonating voice, testing for an echo... wondering, can anyone hear me?

Michael

upon the myriad of external forces that grant an individual permission to embrace their own motives. From alcohol induced abandonment of social inabilities, to psychedelic drugs that allow a person wander into the caverns of their own perception with the free spirited exuberance of a wide-eyed-grinning-child. From an individuals gravitation to a given cause and/or social group for justification of their own thoughts, to contrived acts of self expression motivated by some insecure need for adoration. In the end it's all the same. We just want permission to feel, say, do and be everything we already are. Inside each of us is a universe, and we can own it. We must only grant ourselves permission to do so.

Resolution: As I strive for clarity as reach for balance; no short cuts will be taken as I further attempt to embrace the lucidity of my own consciousness. I yearn to fearlessly be myself, always. I will resonate from within, not from without. And I will resonate at a higher amplitude then ever before.


May each of your new years be laden with inner peace, clarity, self-love, self-discovery, grand realizations and the ability to see through yourself.

Much love to all

Sincerely, Michael

yesterday
is the haunting
of the things we've left behind.
the future
is just a memory
we cannot yet rewind.

regrets
are the people
we were to afraid to love.
hesitation
is the people
we're still to afraid to love.

today
is just memory
we haven't recalled yet.
this moment
is another chance
to live without regret.

embrace this moment,
embrace this moment
...embrace
this moment

~Michael

I'd like to think I have the answers to life’s pointed questions but that's just it, I'd like to think I have them. The sometimes-harsh realization of my own visual filtration has allowed me to flush away any and all predisposed need to find ‘a higher purpose’, because I am fully aware that whatever meaning I grant my existence is merely a product of my own delusions. A direct result of an ignorant insecure minds unwillingness to embrace the random, chaotic, nature of human existence. (self-plagiarization taken from Third Eye(s)) As self-possessed and open-minded as each of us suppose ourselves to be, every person on this planet walks through life with twisted perception. Skewed perspectives defined by circumstance, combined with our sometimes jaded past, as well as associated fears. In our personal quests for knowledge and enlightenment; our experiences (both positive and negative) plant the seeds of every mental-block, fear and prejudice that consume our mind, if only subconsciously. More often than not, we are totally unaware of the degree to which we allow our twisted perception to define our existence, but it undoubtedly does. Our individual perspectives are a result of a lifetime of mental absorption, the weight of circumstance and the diversity of our experience (or lack thereof). Our preferences, whether religious, political, social or otherwise are defined by what we have experienced, and as a result what we are willing to experience. Beneath this phenomenon of human nature, combined with mankind's prepotency to follow the path of least resistance; hides our darkest, most elusive flaw... subconscious unwillingness to embrace the chaotic, random, indefinable abyss that will undoubtedly show it's 'uncomfortable' face as we seek truth and enlightenment

Sadder still…

(self-plagiarization taken from Anthem for a Mirror) The notion that ones passions and identity must be built around a worthy cause in order to feel complete, fulfilled, worthy ect. is false. In fact, it stands to contrast self esteem, self love, and self ownership (freedom). People willing to barter their own identity (to any degree) to the collective energy of an ism for a false sense of self worth; are at the core of every social confrontation, act of war, riot, lynch mob, and act of terrorism to ever plague humanity. It is the collective fear of those unable (not willing) to define their own path which gives birth to prejudice and self righteous condescension. It is people who love a dogmatic philosophy (an ism) more then themselves who do such things as suicide bombings and flying planes into skyscrapers…

That said: comprehension of ones own selective hearing can allow a person to more fully embrace that which is self-evident, tangible, and real. It’s a conundrum of sorts, but I feel as though brutally honest self realization has empowered me by granting me strength and permission to ignore those insecure internal voices. And as result of abandoning the never-ending quest for meaning; I feel considerably more in tune with my own musings. I feel as though I’ve come full circle and now it’s all so simple. Marten Gore of Depeche Mode echoes my thoughts beautifully and simply, “everybody’s looking for a reason to live. If your looking for a reason I’ve a reason to give, pleasure little treasure”. The essence of life is experience. We are but collections of our own experience. To suppose life to be more or less than such hinders our ability to experience life on its grandest scale. Every moment of every day is another chance to fall in love with every one of our our senses and the beauty that surrounds us. And yes there is pain, occasionally there is what seems to bee unbearable pain. But ultimately all can be harnessed for our good. Tragedy, triumph, pain, pleasure, grief, glory… all will undoubtedly enrich our perspective. Giving us an even grater appreciation of beauty and truth, a greater capacity to live in this moment, love ourselves and others, a grater capacity to laugh with all the free spirited exuberance of a wide eyed child.

Indeed life is purposeful… as infinitely purposeful as our senses allow it to be... and as infinitely beautiful as our mind is willing to embrace.

~Michael

I've been drawing inside the lines
for sometime
...I'm out of my mind.
inclination swept aside
as if it were a lie
...I am blind.

hesitating intuition,
questing myself.
I've tied my own hands,
lade heart upon a shelf.

voices in my head are saying,
where have you been?
it's been a while,
when will we see you again?

I've ignored them for so long
almost didn't recognize...
there was a place we used to sing and dance
with fascination
...childlike fascination
a time before I stained my intuition
with pain
with others opinions
with others pain.

...never again

if underneath my breath
I must tell my story
I will listen with intent
and bathe in my own glory
second guessing
never again.
may I dance forever with intuition
my truest friend.

and the voices in my head are saying,
where have you been?
it's been a while
we've missed you my friend.
...welcome home.

~Michael

…to every friend who offered heartfelt support, a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on; with much gratitude thank you. I have felt so much love and support from friends and family through this time. I once heard it said that a man’s worth is measured by the quality of his friends… I am wealthy beyond measure.

I still well up with emotion when I think about Kally’s suicide, perhaps I always will. I’ve never been one to push my emotions aside in a feeble effort to cope or pretend to be strong. I am nearly unable to comprehend why anyone would put on an emotional front during a time of grieving, or any other time for that matter. Nothing positive is to be gained from such a ‘denial stained’ lie. But as deeply pained as I am by Kally’s passing I will not let myself be consumed by unanswerable questions, which have been written in stone. When all is said and done this is another experience that has immensely broadened my perspective on life. A perspective that will ultimately fuel my creative whims in beautiful ways. And although I am deeply saddened, I have nothing but beautiful memories of her. In time I will have much to say concerning my friendship Kally, what a unique and beautiful relationship we shared.

~Michael

Over the years I witness her struggle first hand as she battled demons of apathy and self-hate. After a near miss a few months back, she seemed to have a broader perspective on things, a new outlook on life. Unfortunaly, what appeared on the surface to be self-healing and self-love was only thicker a facade, she hid every ounce of pain deep inside her heart. No one could see that a cancer of self-hate was threatening to consume her internally... after missing for 24 hours her body was found in a San Francisco Hotel room...

From the day her beautiful face caught my eye, to a richer more beautiful marriage than most will ever have the privilege of experiencing, to a divorce that helped us realize that love was bigger than a piece of paper, to the love and support we've lent one another over the past few years as we've followed our individual paths as kindred spirits... Kally was always the dearest of friends.

...I feel so much , I have so much I need to say but for now I cannot, the emptiness is just to real. It hurts so much, it just fucking hurts. So for now I'm going to let Neil Peart do my bidding for me...